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Re-engaging with your family to provide care to aging parents can be tricky

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 18:58:17 -0600

Caring for an aging parent usually involves the unexpected “benefit” of coping with baggage from our upbringing.

Here are some suggestions for success when coping with family baggage.

It’s all about you. Make your decision to provide care to a family member about you. It’s not about earning love or gaining approval. This decision must be a true expression of your values.

Make it about learning and growing. You are not a child anymore. You have the ability to set boundaries and investigate assumptions that your family put on you. Were you the family flake before? Were you expected to sacrifice your wants and needs for others? Who are you now?

Bring all of you to the table. You’ve been out in the world gathering skills. Your family may not understand how you’ve grown and changed and what you have to offer now. Let them know.

When your stress level is high and old family roles and expectations threaten to overwhelm you, seek the help of friends and professionals to stay strong.

Preventing Elder Financial Abuse

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 16:16:53 -0600

A friend shared a sad story last week about a neighbor whose money and possessions were stolen by an unscrupulous caregiver. Let's face it, there are bad people in the world who will take advantage of others who are sick and need their help. Most caregivers are wonderful people who give so much to the people they are caring for. Unfortunately it doesn't take long for a thief to do a lot of damage.

Here's the short-hand version of the story. A vulnerable woman in failing health who wants to stay in her home and needs help to do it. Her ex-husband is the only person available to help and via long distance hires a caregiver to care to his former wife. The neighbors soon start to notice a lot of activity at the house. People are coming and going at all hours of the day and night. It doesn't seem like the serene environment that an ailing person would need. The neighbors worry and discuss among themselves. Finally someone takes action and reports the situation to either the police or Adult Protective Services. The grapevine soon spreads the word that the "caregivers" have been forging checks, not paying the bills, selling off possessions and forced the elderly woman out of her own bedroom. Her car is repossessed,her home goes into foreclosure and she moves to a nursing home. The thieves are being sought by the police.

There are things that the elderly woman, her ex and the neighbors could have done differently that might have changed the outcome of this sad situation. Here are my recommendations.

Find caregivers through a reputable agency that hires and supervises their caregivers and performs background checks. If agency caregivers are not affordable to your family, be sure to have a background check completed before you hire a private caregiver and carefully check his/her references.

Secure all personal financial information like check books, bank statements etc. to prevent identity theft and forgery prior to having caregivers in the house. It may be best to send mail to a relative's home or post office box. A trusted family member or professional such as a fiduciary, accountant or daily money manager should handle the elder's money. Regular accounting of what is being spent and account balances should be reviewed by the elder and another trusted resource to detect signs of financial mis-management.

Family, neighbors and friends should visit the elder regularly to see how the person is doing. Unusual comings and goings should be reported to family and to the local county Adult Protective Services department. If you have any difficulty getting to see the elder or talking with him/her privately, these may be warning signs that elder abuse is happening.

To protect themselves from elder financial abuse, all elders should make contingency plans with trusted family, friends and professionals to get help and oversight of their finances if they become ill.

Working together and planning ahead, we can prevent more sad stories like this.

Have Stuff? Guest Blog from Jane Mermelstein

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 13:21:38 -0500

Most people, especially those who have lived in the same home for many years, have accumulated a lot of stuff. Some stuff is useful on a regular basis and some of it may be useful on occasion. Some things get used on a regularly and some of it is just taking up space—filling closets, garages and storage space.

When I speak with professional organizers some make the distinction between clutterers and hoarders. Clutterers lack the ability to edit what they have and discard things that they really don’t need. The snow globe from Niagra Falls, acquired as a child, may sit at the back of a shelf. The hand carved wooden flute from that gift shop somewhere along the California coast plus the extra books that will likely never be re-read (or perhaps read).

As a real estate agent in San Francisco, sometimes I sell homes that have been lived in for many years, either by homeowners moving into retirement homes or children selling the family home after the death of their parents. It can be a huge and daunting task as many objects evoke memories or might be useful at some point in the future.

The process that seems to work for many (although one size does not fit all) is to:

Discard or recycle the things that will not be useful to anyone in the future: half used bottles of shampoo, food years past expiration dates, old papers that aren’t useful to anyone (utility bills from 1972, magazine clippings), broken items that are beyond repair (broken dinner plates sitting next to the super glue in the basement). Be sure to follow local laws about trash disposal and recycle/reclaim environmentally hazardous items properly: prescription drugs, house paint, batteries, etc.
Assess what remains to determine the categories of items you have. Before sorting and separating, determine how you will get the items (by category) out of the house. What might be valuable and needs to be assessed and sold by an auction house or antique dealer? What might you sell in a house sale? What will you do with the items that don’t sell in a private sale? Who will run that sale for you? In San Francisco, we have a lot of interesting resources: book donations are welcomed by Friends of the Public Library, SCRAP, a great place for recycling art and office supplies, housewares and gently worn clothing is accepted by some resale or consignment shops, while other household goods and clothing will be welcomed by others. Some organizations collect old electronic items including old computers, printers and answering machines (remember them?). Veterinary clinics and rescue organizations may be your best bet for discarding old bedding. Also consider how much time you have—is it worth having a house sale to make money on the items (remember, it takes hours to prepare and run a sale)? Or is it more advantageous for you to donate most items? In San Francisco and perhaps in your community, some organizations will come to your home to pick up items.
Organize the items and sort by how you will dispose of them. Before you dispose of anything that might be of value, have reputable professionals come in and assess the items. Then let the sorting and disposition begin.

Remember, even if you are happy living in your home and don’t plan to move anytime soon, using this process to de-clutter your home on a regular basis. It will save a lot of effort if you ever decide to downsize and live in a smaller home. Your family or heirs will appreciate less stuff, too!

If you need help, there are many resources to can help with this process of de-cluttering or emptying a home including professional organizers, auction houses, estate sale professionals. Your real estate agent is a great resource and can connect you to professionals who can help you.

Jane Mermelstein is a Realtor in San Francisco and helps people buy and sell homes, condos and investment properties. Contact her for help with any of your real estate questions or for resources to help you edit and clean up your stuff: jane@mermeltown.com or read her blogs at www.mermeltown.com

Financial Elder Abuse ???

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 17:51:59 -0500

"Mom has a heart of gold. She would help anyone who asked for help." What a wonderful thing for a son to say about his mom. What a great legacy to her family.

The problem? Mom's charitable contributions were draining her budget. It wasn't until her son started managing her money that he realized that she was overdoing her donations.

Is it just me or have you noticed that seniors seem to be the target for repeated requests for donations? The son (my client) was shocked at the amount of solicitations that his mother was receiving daily by phone and in the mail. I was shocked too, when I started handling my dad's mail when he was ill. As I opened his mail every day over the course of a month, I became more and more angry at how many times, he was solicited by various charities.

These were legitmate charities but I still felt that their repeated calls for money were bordering on financial elder abuse. How many seniors feel obligated to respond with a donation when they received a small gift in the mail? How many seniors don't remember that they had just made a contribution last month when they receive a new request?

Just to be clear, I am not talking about scams which are clearly financial elder abuse where criminals prey on seniors but big name organizations that serve veterans, the handicapped and others. After you follow the mail for a while, it's also clear that mailing lists are being sold.

My dad was budget conscious and mentally clear. The amounts he donated were within his budget. I'm thinking we are the lucky ones.

I know it can be hard to talk about money issues. I'd suggest that you have regular conversations with your family member talking about your charitable contribution strategy and excessive solicitations that come your way to open the door to finding out who is solicting them and how much they are contributing. If your family member doesn't object, quickly glance through the incoming mail to gauge how many requests are coming in.

If your family member is having any issues with memory loss be particularly tuned in to this issue. They might be donating in excess of their budget or not remembering when they last contributed.

What do you think? Are repeated requests for charitable donations are form of financial elder abuse?

Hi, My Name is Janice & I'm a Solo Ager

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 12:32:43 -0500

What's a solo ager? Someone who doesn't have children.

Most of my coaching so far has been with adult children caring for aging parents. That has been my personal and professional journey for the past 14 years. More and more, I see the next step of the journey. Caring for partners, spouses, siblings and friends, all the while wondering who will care for me.

It's a tough issue. Having been a caregiver myself, I know how much it is to ask. Right now, trying to identify who to ask is stopping my husband and I from updating our health care directives. Of course we can appoint each other and we will, but who will form the next layer of support?

Are you worried about this issue too? Have you found a way to solve it? What steps are you taking to address solo aging? Let's pool our resources and come up with some ideas. I'd love to hear from you.

Who are the �Old Old�?

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:36:19 -0600

Even though he was in the life stage called “old old” he managed all this daily tasks like cooking, cleaning, shopping and much more.

Who are the “old old”? People who are older than age 85. They are the fastest growing segment of our population in the United States. Some people in this age group are receiving considerable assistance from family members and paid caregivers.

When a family member is vigorous and fiercely independent, it can be easy to forget that they may have special needs based being over 85 years old. They may not always accept your help but it can be important to keep an extra degree of watchfulness over their situation.

Special considerations if you have a family member who is “old old” or over 85.

A minor illness like a cold can be very taxing. When your family member becomes ill with something you would normally consider a minor illness, proceed with caution. If the illness does not resolve itself in a reasonable period of time, insist on a doctor visit.
The “old old” may experience reduced energy that affects their ability to complete daily tasks. Watch in particular for tiredness that leads them to not eat as well, cook or shop for fresh foods. This can lead to a downward spiral as poor nutrition leads to less energy.

Falls can be deadly for the “old old”. If your family member does recover from a serious fall it may still end their independent lifestyle. Encourage your family member to keep their home brightly lit, to pause when rising from their bed and to sit down when putting on shoes or garments that require them to stand on one foot. Help them with interior and exterior maintenance to eliminate tripping hazards.

I’m not sure anyone would welcome being called “old old”. What are your suggestions for a name for this time of life? Let us know by adding your comment...

Connecting with a Family Member Who Has Dementia

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 14:11:50 -0600

It can be sad when we dwell on what they have lost. What helped me when visiting my mother, was to have a plan of what I was going to do. I often visited at mealtimes when I could help and encourage her to eat. We took walks and played gin rummy with the cards face up so I could help her with her cards.

I just saw a lovely letter in Dear Abby where a daughter-in-law connected with her mother-in-law with dementia by using her MIL’s old address book. Reminiscing is a great activity when a family member has a dementia because their memories of time past are much stronger than memories about current events. You can learn a lot about your family member and engage in a pleasurable activity that makes their dementia a plus.

In the letter, the loving daughter-in-law used the address book to find names of old friends that she and her mother-in-law could discuss. Other ways to invoke old memories are looking at old pictures or home movies or playing and singing along with old songs.

What do you enjoy doing with your family member with dementia? How do you stay inspired and engaged when visiting?

Let us know by adding a comment.....